“Hope you find some happiness”

The other day on Twitter I got into a row with a woman who I had been following for years. The crux of it was I disagreed with a tweet one of her mates posted which said something like “why do men who put never married or had kids on their dating profile see it as a badge of honour when it just shows you cant commit”

I put forward that marriage and kids does not equate commitment and a few other people commented in this way too. Apparently the tweet was a “joke” but honestly where is the joke? I can’t stand that kind of judgement on anyone who has not quite lived up to the social conventions we apparently need to follow. Joke it may have been but there is a serious load of bullshit behind it all. I engaged with this tweet in a reasonable way saying I wish we wouldn’t judge people like this as I am an unmarried and child-free woman and yet I have had serious commitments in my life and that perhaps people putting it on their profile isn’t about a badge of honour but about wanting to find similar people who may find that important. Also, why can’t it be a badge of honour?

But aside from that tweet which I wasn’t offended by (just disagreed and wanted to add in my view) what followed was offensive.

This woman proceeded to tell me that I must be deeply unhappy as a person (from my three quite measured tweets!) and that this must have touched a raw nerve with me and that she hopes I find some kind of happiness in my life. What the actual fuck? I was told I should have scrolled on by if I didn’t like it and that I obviously have a very sad life to be seeking out offence. But also in the same way her mate could have just shut the fuck up about what people write on their dating profiles right? Why is SHE so bothered? Oh sorry yea it was a joke, ha ha ha ha dead funny like…..comedy gold.

Remarkably this is a woman who tweets daily on twitter that she is having a pretty tough life to which I always felt empathy for if I am honest. What is it that makes people feel they can psychoanalyse others’ on the internet – what is it that your only defence to a disagreeing tweet is to try to create a narrative about the life of that person? What made me feel sad about the whole thing was that at no point was my tweet directed at anybody, it was pretty standard twitter commentary, but then to have someone try to say you’re sad and angry just for having an opinion is the worst kind of gaslighting. Women doing it to other woman too is pretty gross in my mind – us women are always being analysed; told we are too much, too happy, too sad, too angry. The whole exchange made me feel totally shit if I am honest as this was someone I actually liked and thought was okay.

Then I started to question – am I okay? I couldn’t sleep, I was radiating with anger – how dare a fucking stranger try to patronise me for no reason. The fact another woman couldn’t see what I was trying to say as in these things you are laughing about have a real life impact on people like me. When I sensibly told her that she said that I shouldn’t sob about being judged as she is a disabled single mum – ahhhhh it is judgement top trumps is it! Then I realised that everything she was saying was more a projection of perhaps her life choices and that there is probably resentment there. Not my fault it looks like she made some shit choices (she moans enough about) and I honestly don’t ever look for empathy from strangers, but I also don’t deserve aggro.

After a few hours of gnashing my teeth I realised that my life choices are 100 percent what I am happy with. Society might paint me as slightly odd as I didn’t have kids (SIGH) but I want people to really understand that I do not regret not having kids one little bit! I know people often don’t believe that and think I must be crying into my pillow every night about it but honestly no. Not everyone is maternal/paternal and that is totally okay. I had a phase for a few years around age 35/36 where I did have a little hankering and I could have had a kid then if I wanted. I also could have had a kid with someone this last four years but I decided to get the IUD fitted so that I had no accidents! No regrets at all.

Now the marriage thing – I am not sure where I stand on it. It seems a load of bollox in some ways and most people around me who got married also got divorced too. I have this thought that I will get married one day but maybe in my sixties, less chance of divorce, unless they are a complete murderer – have you ever seen “The Devil I Married”?! My friends gran got married in her eighties…
Marriage is not off the menu for me, just I am not that arsed about it and I never dreamt about being a bride – I was a tomboy who wanted to be a stunt double when I grew up.

So as I lay there ruminating it all I realised I am pretty damn content in my choices and yes maybe a raw nerve was touched because frankly I am just sick of feeling like a failure or that I lack commitment because I didn’t do certain things – it weighs heavy sometimes. All of the times I am told “don’t worry you will find someone” or “don’t worry you are still young at 44, Halle Berry didn’t have her kids until she was in her late forties” or the worst when people nod sympathetically at you with worry in their eyes when you say you don’t have or want kids! They sometimes just can’t compute it.

Luckily for me, I have loads of friends around me who are the same as me – a bunch of hot, sexy, clever, happy, free women who have made big commitments like owning property, doing PhDs, founding businesses and charities, some have lovers that come and go or long term partners, but most of all they seem to be certain about their choice and they enjoy every single minute of this life!

Leopard Never Changes its Spots…

Ah the sweetness of St Valentines Day yesterday – the loved up couples basking in their love for each other. Lovely. Or is it? One of the most fucked up things I see as a single woman is the amount of men on dating websites that are actively cheating – you know the ones “I dont have my photo on here cause of work” AYE!

The men that I have had contact from recently they only seem to message you at certain times, they disappear for a few days, they don’t make solid plans, they try to get you to to sext – CLEARLY MARRIED MY GUY…do you think we are stupid? I certainly won’t be fucking a married man, the audacity to think they can get married and carry on their single life astounds me.

Now the worst one I have seen recently is from a guy I used to date in 2014 – looking back, a complete predator. He did that classic “girlfriend experience” thing when he really just wanted to hook up whilst he looked for a wife. He got me to try S&M stuff that also looking back was probably quite dangerous for me – I think that was his MO, get fresh women who don’t know much about BDSM and then “introduce” them to it and then bounce when the wife material woman comes along. Looking for that wife who he wouldn’t engage in BDSM with cause that has to be with a “filthy woman” and not his lovely vanilla pure wife. So many men like this – proper fucking issues.

Anyyyyway I later found he had about a million profiles on different fetish/swinger/sex worker review sites, which was shocking as this guy portrayed himself to be Mr Nice, butter wouldn’t melt, upstanding honest guy when it was so further from the truth.

The reason I still think about this man is because he really damaged me. He stole my innocence, he stole my romantic view of the world, he preyed upon me after knowing I was grieving the death of my Dad, he promised me loads of things, he swept me off my feet knowing full well it was all an act. I spent 2 years feeling so upset that I had betrayed myself and that my judgement had been so off that I got myself entangled with such a weird predator. He disguised himself so well though. I ended up changing my entire life because of this person – now I can see for the better but it was such a fucking painful process.

The reason I am writing this is because I saw that he had gotten married a few years ago and I as I was in a good place I felt pleased for him and that he had clearly changed his ways (after I confronted him about his million weird fetish profiles and his 2-faced life and he had agreed that he had issues to sort out etc). His new wife looks lovely too and they looked great together. I got on with my life and had a lovely relationship with someone really good for me, restored me back to life. But imagine my surprise when last year I log onto an old fetish website I went on now and then to see Mr Predator had renewed his profile (same user name as before, idiotic as FUCK, or doesn’t actually care?)! Two years after getting married this guy is back on the fetish websites looking for a “relationship or hook up” and yet looking at his Instagram there he is playing happily married man with his wife. I mean, the fucking audacity of the guy. Imagine being his wife, getting treated beautifully on Valentines day no doubt (gotta keep up the act) and yet has no idea her husband has a secret life.

When I confronted him about his million profiles on those sites back when I found his true personality out he told me that it was just an online thing, that he never met people, whilst I was literally looking at pics he had posted of a semi naked woman on her knees in a collar in his flat lol. Like Boris Johnson saying NO RULES WERE BROKEN whilst he has a party popper and a can of Stella in his hand. These entitled men are the worst. They truly think if they just keep telling you one thing you will believe them and not your own eyes. A very entitled man trick because I think they believe that they are much smarter than everyone else, when in fact they are just more entitled. This guy underestimated me, as he probably does with many women he meets. Why else would you be a serial cheater? His fetish website addiction went back years, loads of photos of women he had taken in hotel rooms in BDSM style scenarios. All whilst he was married to his first wife. So imagine being this guy? Never being straight up with the people you marry? I just couldn’t imagine the darkness of it.

I wish I had exposed the complete arsehole when I had the chance but back then I was a much nicer person. Now I am a grown up, chipped and shaped by experience, and I despise men who cheat. I am not a monogamous person as I don’t think monogamy always works but I am ethically non-monogamous – it can be done. People who cheat are the lowest because they just don’t care about the other person no matter how much they say they love them; they love themselves and their depravity much much more. Premeditated cheating is also just fucking terrible. Seeking out kicks outside your marriage cause you married someone that you actually want as an accessory to your life, and who you can’t be yourself with, is just so sad. Sad for the other person you are dragging along whilst pretending and performing.

I won’t do anything about this knowledge because I don’t want to blow someone’s world apart. I deleted my account on that god-awful site as I don’t want to see the toxicity of it all. He is fucking lucky that I am the person I am. I just feel pity for him to be continuing that life, to have never changed, to have to destroy other people for your own desires – cause eventually chickens come home to roost don’t they? I feel sorry for her. The fact she is lying in bed night after night with someone she doesn’t really know. She probably has no idea he loves being kicked in the balls for money or that he likes whipping women with belts, or that he dresses up in tights and suspenders. He will be her lovely Mr Nice Man.

I feel sadness that I was actually rooting for him, was actually pleased he found love, all to be jaded by him again. Luckily for me I have had some really solid lovely men in my life in the last few years who I trust and love, and who truly have made me realise that there can be honesty and integrity in relationships. What a shame that he will clearly never feel that.

But also, FUCK HIM. Weird little depraved gimp!

Have you thought about speaking to a therapist?

I have felt compelled to write this as I have noticed something in my life in the last few years where I have met new people and instead of building up a friendship based on common interests they have started to immediately tell me about their trauma. Why do we all of a sudden think that this is a socially acceptable thing to do? Not that I do, but so many people do not have boundaries.

I think because I seem like an open and non-judgemental person that people automatically feel that this is license to blurt out all of their childhood trauma to me after knowing me for 5 minutes: their relationship trauma, their addiction problems, childhood stuff and so on. What irritates me most is that they just expect you to listen…do these people not have therapists they could talk to?

Don’t get me wrong I do have a sympathetic ear but this is reserved for close friends and family and people in crisis regardless of how long I have known you. I used to have such wobbly boundaries myself that I would actually sit and listen to these people chat about themselves non stop, about all their issues, and I would wonder why I felt so drained after being with them. These people only ask you how you are so they can get that formality out of the way so they can then launch into what ails them. Absolutely self-absorbed. I have tolerated so many of these people in my life but what I have noticed is that this type of person will end up flipping on you at some point because you may not listen in the way they want, or you may disagree, or you suddenly start having your own problems which requires them to listen which is not a dynamic they care for. Because it is always about them.

In the last few years since being sober I have watched this and realised that I have put up with this in my life. Often I used to drink to make myself be around these people, booze would deffo lighten things up. But since I stopped drinking there is no escape from it. And I just see it now.

Recently someone tried to dump their trauma and pain onto me about a subject I am struggling with myself – not that they would know, cause they don’t know me well enough. I knew this was the moment to break the habit of a lifetime – instead of tea and sympathy I responded “sorry for your pain, maybe talking to a professional may help” and left it at that. They kept trying to get me into a conversation about it but I kept “grey rocking” – thing is that person doesn’t know me well enough to know that I have dealt with incredible struggles with that same subject they wanted to dump onto me. What that person didn’t know that is that I then spent days crying because the subject they were trying to get me to engage with to soothe their pain triggered me.

I have had so many conflicts this last year because of this. People feeling like you are a sounding board for their pain and problems. These same people get surprised when you mention something about your life, cause they never cared to listen to you nor are interested in you as a person, they just need any old ear and have picked you as their personal therapist, un-fucking-paid.

Another situation in this area I have had experience with is in dating – I recently was going to meet someone for a walk from a dating app. They started to get a bit sketchy communication wise and I thought hmmmm clearly married I think. When I called them out on it, I get a barrage of messages about his “ex” being awful to him, how he is so down, he needs help, she is ruining his life, he can’t stop thinking about her etc etc. Me a literal fucking stranger and him trying to talk to me about his “ex”. I blocked him and he tried to call me on another number with guess what, a pic of him and his “ex” as his profile pic. I blocked him from that and he tried another way to contact. Mate, get some therapy and some morals and fuck off?

People who have no boundaries in this way are to be avoided at all costs. I have spent my life being an understanding ear. If I have to have more conflicts because I am putting boundaries in place then so be it. But be warned, do not come to me with your trauma if you don’t know anything about me. Don’t expect that people want to listen to you constantly moaning about your life. Stop expecting free therapy from the people around you. Always consider what others’ might be going through first before you unload your problems. I have close friends though who I would listen to all day long because you know what? They have always listened to me. Make sure you have reciprocity in your friendships, that you truly care for each other then the listening to each other is natural.

And I know that in this age of being open and willing to listen and being aware of mental health my take might sound harsh but I am not talking about people who are suffering with mental health issues. I will listen to people (even people I don’t know well) who are in crisis but what I won’t do is be a sounding board for emotional baggage/trauma from people who are trying to be my friend and only know how to trauma bond. People who constantly find things to moan or be self-absorbed about. People who don’t want advice, or will never take it anyway, but just want to offload. Those sorts of people.

When making new friends keep checking on how you feel after you have spent time with them. If you know serious things about their life within a few times of meeting them, they are not boundaried. They will cause you trouble at some point. They will be a drain and they do not think of the relationship as equal, they are just looking to dump. And that is all they will do. The minute you change the dynamic they will freak out. If you do want to pursue the friendship because you can see some common interests try telling them “sounds like you have a lot of unpacking of trauma to do, perhaps speaking to a therapist might help as I am not qualified to really deal with this sort of thing” see how quick they want to meet you again!

Fat and Full of Stretch Marks – so what?

I noticed something the other day that made me think about how as women we are so groomed from young to be so fucking critical of ourselves and each other. We hold ourselves to impossibly high standards of beauty that have been set by the patriarchy and white supremacist values on what is deemed attractive. I don’t know if it is because I am getting older and have had issues with my libido in the last year making me feel asexual and therefore given me a little break from wanting to be “attractive” to find a mate? Mate, I am just not interested. I feel so removed from it all and it has given me food for thought and space to breathe. I have noticed though that I feel a lot happier in myself, generally. I have found myself dressing in a way that makes ME happy and not because I think I should be a certain way to add value to myself so that someone might pick me…

I have made some peace with my body, it is all mine, it is flawed and yet I love myself more than ever.

I am in the fittest shape of my life at the moment even though I am a bit fat, but fit and strong and feeling very powerful as a woman, probably cause I do not give a fuck anymore what anyone thinks of how I look. I also don’t want to hear anyone call me beautiful either, god its so dull. Tell me I have an amazing laugh, I have great style, I am hilarious, or that my essence is compelling. I am magnetic as fuck and that isn’t about my body is it….

What I do find interesting though is recent chats with a variety of women I know who are all up there at the top of the hierarchy of “good looking women”. They tick the conventional beauty boxes: slim, check, pretty, check, big boobs, check, nice hair, check and so on. However; these women sometimes say things that I cannot get my head around. They feel self-conscious, they hate their stretch marks, they worry about wobbly bits, they worry about wearing a bikini. How is it that women who would be looked upon as traditionally beautiful be so insecure? What does that say about our society? Why do we feel stretch marks are disgusting? Why do we aspire to slim ourselves down to the point we all need to look the same? Why do we worry about wobbly bits when our bodies are made up of wobbly ermmmm flesh?

Don’t get me wrong, I have also at times worried about these things myself, especially as I have been fat in varying degrees for most of my life, but in the last few years or so I have done a lot of work on it all and I realise that I am much more than what this outershell is. I have come to appreciate my body for what it does for me, how strong it is, how biologically fucking amazing it is. Because of that I respect my body a lot more and you know what, I am so tired of hearing negatives about women’s bodies, especially spoken from the women themselves. Hearing women putting themselves down actually hurts my heart and then as good girls we rush to tell the woman putting herself down that “she is beautiful” and that she is “stunning” or “gorgeous” therefore perpetuating the very thing that keeps us imprisoned in the negative cycle. And as women automatically say these things to other woman yet they don’t believe it for themselves? Make that make sense…

Imagine we said “yea you have stretch marks” and that is it, full stop. What is wrong with stretch marks? Why do we hate them so much? Most men have stretchmarks too, do they sit round hating on themselves about it? Id say, the majority don’t.

Also, what if we acknowledged that fatness isn’t a sign of ugliness? Also, wouldn’t it be great if we stopped using the world ugly when we speak about humans? What if we accepted that we all come in different shapes and sizes and that we can be free to be whatever we want. If I complain about my body being fat, are you gonna tell me “no you’re beautiful” or “no you have a stunning figure”? But you and I both know you don’t believe that cause you’re terrified to wear a bikini and your body is a “normal size” – see how flimsy and futile all your words are when you rush to validate a woman on her looks.

This validation that women seek and give when another woman puts themselves down is such a major part of the problem of internalised misogyny. If you feel better cause your mates told you you are gorgeous then you have to do some work on yourself.

I plead to all women reading this, stop raking over your body with a magnifying glass and hating on it. So what you don’t look like the models in the magazine, but they don’t even look like that. When you start to tell yourself hateful things about your body, check yourself and stop it. Look at what your body DOES FOR YOU. Say thank you to your body for getting you through another day. Stop telling your friends they are “stunning” or “beautiful” when they are having a moan about themselves. Think of creative things to say about them. Tell them you love their personality and their words and kindness, their strength and intelligence. Stop parroting platitudes that are the very thing that make us sick in the first place. Beauty is more than the way you look, it is your essence and we are all beautiful in our own way, I wish more of us could see and feel that. Be joyful about your body, it is amazing and it is uniquely you, please.

I am Cliodna

Walking in, the excitement and dread runs through my body.  It is a different kind of adrenalin rush, it’s slow – it has an undercurrent of foreboding topped by a wave of pleasure.

Your feet hit the water and you think its not too bad today, every time. 

You stride in and the creeping cold wraps itself like fat juicy tentacles around your thighs as the water suddenly hits the place where the flame usually burns.

You conquer it and stride forward; battered by wave after wave, but you continue stoically.

I often scream, I don’t need to but I like to.   

You get to the torso, it takes the breath away but you continue, you keep on breathing.  Always at this point you decide you can’t make it this time and you think about turning back.  You can’t turn back because that would be worse.  So you only go forward.

The breasts – protecting the heart – feel the pain so sharply in this pact with the sea.  The icy cold water needles them, your masochistic tendencies make you smirk.  This is the danger point. I gasp and I realise I am holding my breath.  Exhale.

As a try to override the innate flight reflex I say to myself “I am Cliodna, the daughter of Manannan”

I really am a daughter of Manannan; I have felt the wrath of his anger on the island where I grew.  The sea has been in my life since I was born.  I have sailed stormy seas and survived many times over.

The power of Cliodna pushes me as I sink my body into the water with a sigh, a deep blissful sigh that silences everything except a faint flatline I hear between my ears.  The water feels like a white energy field absorbing into me at a cellular level.  Suspended by the cold, head above the torpor, living, breathing, alive, really really alive. Tingling sensations making me laugh out loud as I move my legs and arms and the water rushes in everywhere. 

Nothing matters in that moment, I don’t even know who I am, and I don’t even care. 

Just a body in the sea.  A creature, a goddess, back to nature; reborn every time. 

I never want to leave.

Tinder Has Left the Chat

Ten months into an alcohol free life. Something is bubbling up and I don’t quite know how to handle it. They say that ten months in can be a tumultuous time because the pink cloud you have been feeling starts to drift away and you are left with some of the darker clouds moving slowly over your head. This last week something felt off; I started to get eczema again – a signal to me that my body is in distress (in my butt crack of all places), I have not been motivated to go swimming or to the beach, I have felt angry with friends and felt like shouting FUCK YOU into the sky. Nothing in particular I could put my hand on. Just a feeling, a simmering disgust, barely contained anger.

I try everything to change my mood when I get like this; I walk, I listen to podcasts, I eat healthy food even though I am dreaming about shoving doughnuts in my face. I don’t and it takes all my fucking strength – I don’t because I am in the middle of changing my life and I am sick of taking two steps forward and then three steps back. The boring cycle of behaviour I know so well.

My body is physically changing too – perimenopause I think. It can be from one week the happiest of highs to the lowest of lows. The go-to things that could relieve this pain and discomfort are booze and sugar but they are the two things I am staying clear from because guess what? They make me feel even worse.

I was meant to go on a date this week with someone really interesting and handsome but I realised a few days ago that my heart wasn’t in dating full stop. I started to feel a sort of dread and anxiety about it all because I am just not ready to be vulnerable or even friendly with a new person in the loaded space of Tinder dating. This is the second time I have bailed on someone in the last year and I hate myself for it because it is not fair on them. But I try so hard to feel “normal” and like I am ready to connect with others but then I realise I am not and I back out.

I have deleted Tinder and I have learnt my lesson that I am just not even half ready to go down a path of meeting anyone. I know that now. Dating is fucked up really – I don’t think I am suited for it; I want to meet people in real life and build up friendships. I met my ex at Carnival and it was instant connection at first sight. It was fun to be chatted up in reality, spontaneous and none of the pre-date wondering if they will fancy you in the flesh or not. So it is fair to say I am done with online dating.

I am looking forward to getting my first year of alcohol free life in the bag and to celebrate it I am going to take the famous sleeper train from London to Scotland and spend some days in the Highlands. I thought about whether I would want to do that with someone, and honestly the answer is no, I want the solitude. I want the freedom to wander and to celebrate my first year of sobriety on my own. It feels like empowerment to me. I have spent years of my life in long term relationships and my single life has been some of my happiest. Acknowledging this is powerful.

So I say to myself, I am not ready to share my life, I am not ready to share my life and that is okay.

The tricky world of Friendships and not drinking

Was thinking recently about the different types of friendships that we make in our lifetime. I am one of those people that has a load of friends I still keep in touch with from twenty years back. I like that I have regular reunions with university friends, people I worked with, the crew I picked fruit with backpacking in Australia 23 years’ ago. I like that I do make the effort to keep in touch with people – it is always reciprocated and it doesn’t really take much. They are kind of on the outside friends; they see the good bits, we laugh at old in jokes, music and sayings; we share each others the milestones in life and we meet up every other year or so.

However, getting older changes things in the way you want your immediate relationships to run. I have a small number of close friends these days. I keep it that way as I cannot be as available for people as I used to be. Partly being busy working full time and running a side hustle as well as (constantly) doing up my house all on my own. Also, I genuinely love and need my own company and freedom; I crave it. I can be fickle too – I am self-aware enough to know that about myself. My emotions can swing wildly and I am just too old in the tooth to be around people who I don’t feel comfortable with or who are too demanding of me, or who bore me.

I noticed recently after nine months of no alcohol that a lot of the time I used to drink for a bit of confidence/soothing in social situations but also because I often found it easier to listen to people that I wasn’t that interested in if I had the focus of alcohol. This might make me sound like a bitch but what I mean is not everyone is going to be interesting to you nor you to them but oftentimes alcohol creates a smoothing effect for that. Imagine yourself now with all your friends and acquaintances at a party without alcohol? How many of them would make the cut? Would you have fun with all of them?

In the last nine months I did a bit of a call out for sober people in my local area and I have met some truly wonderful souls who totally GET IT! What I have found quite disheartening is the people who I do like feeling uncomfortable around me not drinking. Maybe sober me just isn’t their bag – fair enough. But, I think people who feel uncomfortable around non-drinkers most definitely need to have a look at why that is. It is a shame. What I decide to put in my mouth should not have an impact on what is supposed to be a friendship but UK society has people hooked into booze culture. People fall away and that is absolutely natural.

In the middle of the pandemic I started to go to the sea every morning for a swim and have made some lovely friends down there. A real cool community of women who encourage each other; and as we get out of the sea, cold but exhilarated, wrapped in our towels, we share coffee and chit chat. This connection with the earth each morning is life affirming and really helped me feel much happier with my life and what I am doing. One of the women I have recently made friends there said to me as we sat on the sand post swim this morning that this community of women and the sea almost feels like a calling.

Today I am nine months free from the torture of alcohol and booze culture. Someone said on my instagram post celebrating my nine months that it must have taken great willpower – no, that is not true. I don’t want to drink a poison, I don’t want to sit with people who make me feel drained, I don’t want to live a life where I am running on 70% battery in a brain fog. I want meaningful authentic and huge loving connections and I am absolutely grateful for it all.

I #alcoholfree #healthlife #friendships #noalcohol #sobriety #nqtd


russian doll

A damp loaf of a body, she sweated all over as she tried to move her enormous weight around the bed that was her prison and sanctuary.  The tiny body inside the blubber silently screamed as the waves of fat calibrated. The bed creaked in time with the gasps escaping her mouth; the mouth that got her in this mess.  The mouth that had never said the things she wanted to say, it just ate, ate, ate, shoved it all down.

The stench of rotting flesh permeated the room; a fly landed on her right breast happily feeding off the map of old food that had been there for days. She had no way of swatting it because her arms were weighed down with curtains of fat.  She just looked at the fly and felt jealousy of its freedom and of its simple existence. Although her existence now was just surviving inside this body inside this room.  She wondered where the fly had been before it had chosen her. Her skin was so hard now that she couldn’t even feel the fly tickling her mass.  She turned her neck to the left to check the time as her stomach was demanding its fill, but that cut off her windpipe as the fat started crushing and pulling; soon the fat would implode into her and then she would be free.  She would sink into that sweet darkness, suffocating.

She tried to move again because being in one spot for too long felt like iron pokers were digging into her as the fat pooled and punished her bones. The backs of her knees were raw and oozing where they had chaffed; the smell was like the stench of Manhattan in  mid-August, rotting bins and urine hanging in the air.  Giant sores under her belly folds looked like her flesh was being torn apart by ripping hands; gaping and violent chasms of misery.

Her brain and body had become living Matryoshka dolls but in an opposite parallel – her brain had become smaller and her body had become bigger in a direct correlation.  As she had shut down her mind to stop everything, her body had become larger than life which was funny to her because this wasn’t living.

The doorbell rang and she used the entry phone attached to her bed to see who it was before she let them in.  Oh she was relieved, the food had arrived, it was the only thing she had left now. Six people entered her room, chattering all different languages, becoming instantly silent as the smell hit them first and then the sight; the sight of this gargantuan human with dead eyes looking back at them.  She gained pleasure watching them open mouthed horrified all of them thinking they would never get like her. It made them feel good.

The tour guide instructed them to step forward with the food that had been requested by her on the app; steaming food was placed around her on the bed like an offering.  One of the tourists reached out to touch her elephant rough skin – she never used to allow them to touch her but now she can’t feel anything it doesn’t make any difference; let them get their monies worth.  She knows she will get better reviews if they can touch and then more people will bring food and soon this will be all over…

All of them watching her eat, transfixed at how desperate and quick she fed. Her mouth open and always stuffed, her gullet packed sometimes choking her making her eyes water.

The food suspending everything for a moment; she was dancing, hair flowing on the beach at night, running into the sea.  Back before all of this, before, before,  before, the word she can’t seem to stop.

 #fiction #fat #dystopian #dark 


Perspectives on Street Photography

The Daily Post

Photographers sharing their perspectives on street photography:

Jon Sanwell, Without An H
Hanoi, Vietnam

Shane Francescut, The Weekly Minute
Ottawa, Canada

Stephanie Dandan, Infinite Satori
Traveling in Southeast Asia

Joshi Daniel, Joshi Daniel Photography

Leanne Cole, Leanne Cole Photography
Melbourne, Australia

Stephen McLeod Blythe, All My Friends Are JPEGs
Glasgow, Scotland

Donncha Ó Caoimh, In Photos
Cork, Ireland

Last year, we published posts that touched on street photography: Russ Taylor shared his creative process on photographing people all over the world, and Dominic Stafford talked about documenting the streets of Southeast Asia.

But what is street photography? Over on Photo Theory, John Meehan writes:

What is striking about attempts to define “street photography” is the striking lack of consensus.

On the Nature of Street Photography

Very simply put, some people view street photography as an art form — a genre of documentary in which a photographer captures real life as…

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