OMG as I just hit publish I could hear really loud sobbing outside – a woman is crying her eyes out at the juice bar under my room. Really sobbing FFS!
WARNING – These next few posts are mainly going to be me, just crying…probably.
You see I have gone and signed myself up for a fasting detox retreat in Thailand and although I am questioning this decision on a minute by minute basis, once the nice lady in charge weighed me it all became very very fucking clear why I must do this. Bit like being slapped in the face with one of those fake pound of butter/lard they use at Diet Clubs (you know the ones!)
I don’t know what has happened. I really don’t. I have piled on the pies in rapid succession in the last year. Circumstance, depression, knee injury, no exercise, comfort eating cause I feel shit, and on and on and boom I am fatter than ever. I can only be frank about this because I was doing rather well at looking after myself and then my Dad died and it all just unravelled – but that was a few years ago now so I need to cop the fuck on.
I guess having depression isn’t great if you have the propensity to get fat. I felt so detached from myself it was like I didn’t care too much because it wasn’t actually me getting fat, it was that sad cow I became. Most people will get depression at some point in their life and it truly is horrific. Like watching yourself in a car crash, slowly, unable to do anything about it. I tried ADs for a while, they made me worse, and more fat, putting more fat more fat upon fatty fat fat. So yea that was an awful experience and since being off them I have gone through leaving a job at a place I used to love, but now here I am jobless in Thailand seeking some answers. This is like a sort of Emmerdale version of Eat Pray Love! I know loads of people who have come here to find answers and I understand why – its actual Paradise and I always find that answers are easier to find in Paradise.
Anyway I am about to do an 11 day fast with no food apart from on the last day. Alls I will be consuming is a psyllium husk drink (whatever that is), some herbal tablets for all sorts of good things to be put back in my body, some coconut water, and a cup of veggie broth, every day for 10 days. I have to put a pipe up my pipe every day too and clean it out with a cold coffee enema – so glam darrrrlings! I have daily meditation and yoga class. I also have a massage every day. There’s a salt water pool which people swim naked in (lots of buxom German ladies here) and there’s a beach across the road for me to contemplate and walk upon.
Everyone seems okay – I met a Scottish guy this afternoon who is on day 3 of his detox and is discovering rage and hatred as one of the outcomes; total Nirvana, mate…
I just want to prove to myself that I can be mindful (eye roll) around food and that this horrible inertia I have had that has caused me to eat so much and balloon can be smashed away with this mighty task ahead. I am imagining myself like I am in the Big Brother House and that I MUST FUCKING WIN AT ALL COSTS, but no sitting on wine bottles or being a big racist. I am going to hopefully change my eating behaviour and start taking care of myself again and snap out of whatever I have been in. I know that my knee injury has held me back too so now it is time to do things to make it better, not make excuses that I cant exercise because it hurts! More 5Rhythms for me and some yoga and some long distance walking. No more eating out for a while too – this I think has been the biggest negative change in my life in the time I have put on weight. I eat out far too much and as I am eating out I see it as a special occasion and always have a pudding – this is stupid. Not only can I not afford that, I never used to eat like that. So, that is me totally banged to rights. Writing this down makes me feel even more accountable.
So yea, signing out on Day 1 – it looks like it might be alright…