Waves feature a lot in my life; sea waves, big juicy rolling and dangerous waves I let my body be taken by at least five times a week. I have always been attracted to being taken on some kind of journey – free falling, letting things happen. Loss of control. Yesterday I lay back in the sea as I was being pummelled by waves like I was inside a washing machine – it scares me sometimes that I enjoy that kind of thing. But it is also no surprise either.
It reminded me of when I was being submissive once in a relationship, under complete control of another human being. It was only for a short time but it was exhilarating to place my life in someone’s hands. I had no say in anything, what I wore, ate, did. I had to turn myself (willingly by the way – consent is important) into a nothing, an object; I wasn’t even permitted to speak when I was in their presence. I had to stand for hours in a naughty corner facing a wall with my hands on my head, I was a pet at one point, on all fours, eating from a dog bowl, sleeping at the end of the bed, kneeling at my owners feet. I simply had to do whatever I was told, I had be disciplined and be available for whatever they wanted me to do – even typing this is exciting. Me, strong and feisty – can you imagine it? It was a high! It is no surprise to me when we see “scandals” of high powered men being secretly spanked and pegged by beautiful Domme’s in dungeons because it is the opposite of what is driving them in real life – it is their free fall, suspension of life for a few hours.
But something about the loss of control is so seductive. Now I know many people hate the thought of it but that is because of fear. I understand myself through the lens of childhood as to why I enjoy losing control because I always had to be in control since very young – growing up too fast and being “parentified” because of dysfunction in the home. I have grown up to be super responsible and I do love that about myself; I have achieved a hell of a lot but it has also grown parallel with a dark side that seeks the shadows or the underbelly of life, and ultimately a bit of danger.
Drinking to blackout is seen as pretty standard in the western world – booze the biggest drug to lose control with, we all do (or have done it) to a varying degree, just that some loss of control is more respectable than others. Yea yea knock yourself out with booze (get those tax coffers nice and full) but woah keep away from the psychedelics and kinky sex!
We live in a society now that hates risk; it wants everyone to be very controlled – I saw some stats the other day that said the younger generation are taking way less risk than they ever did. I think that is a shame; we are becoming way too informed/smart/anxious. And I don’t even want to mention the pandemic really but to understand we are living in times whereby risk is now at the forefront of our minds possibly replacing pleasure, joy, happiness, creativity.
The fact that we fucking review everything, I think ruins so much – stop reviewing shit, it often creates a false narrative that curates us to go like sheep to places and then we are prompted to also fill out a nice review or be seen as different. That we just know too much about life before we have even lived it. We ask our friends all the time what to do about things, I don’t remember really doing that so much when I was younger – now everything has to be opinionated, talked about, what about just doing it, trusting your own immense wisdom and intuition?
So I say lose control now and then – don’t do it in a reckless or silly way nor do I mean shitting your self, but just let things go sometimes, be adventurous, try something without reading up about it, live how you really want to, be true to your desires, and just shut your eyes and ride them big juicy scary waves….