Nobody’s Watching! Everyone is Smiling!

happy face

As some of you know I am partial to a dance.  Since I changed my drinking habits, I dance differently; less of the 5am raving and more after work workouts.  I am always on the look out for dance based health and wellbeing activities.


So, last Wednesday I went along to the Museum of Happiness (absolutely amazing place, everyone has to check it out and go to one of their events) to an event organised by Nobody’s Watching – Silent Disco.

I got to the venue in Camden and as soon as I walked in I was greeted by our lovely host, Claudia, who showed me where to put my stuff, and really welcomed me in as I was slightly nervous. The other people attending were also warm and friendly it immediately put me at ease! I also got shown to the glitter corner where you can adorn yourself – obvs within 4 minutes of arriving I had glittered my face! Such a cool touch.

The room was filled with happy vibes and a happy aesthetic which made me feel uplifted.  The area where we would be dancing was gorgeous astro-turf and the room was nicely lit and at the right temperature.  There was a variety of different people which shows how accessible the event is.

We were given our headphones and shown how to use them – thankfully! The first part of the session to warm us up the host went through some dancing routines which actually made me laugh out loud (and everyone else).  We had to do a routine that involved flamenco style moves, then an old man wagging our finger, then as a young raver – to a really beautiful Spanish song.  This helped to loosen me up and to get rid of my inhibition – such a good way to break the ice.  We then had to do different moves like air guitar, brass band air trumpets, and slapping our thighs percussion as we all moved around the room.  It really helps to have the headphones on as it sort of feels a bit like protection – you’re in your bubble but in a room with other people in their bubble!

Then the main session started and we were dancing to European tunes as it was European Day! This type of music is the last thing I would listen to but honestly, it is nice to have a break from yourself (and what you like) sometimes! I especially enjoyed jumping up and down to No Limit by 2 Unlimited! The playlist was upbeat and interesting so your attention is held.  And for those tired moments where you need a little break? Well no problem, there is a ball pit with loads of cushions in a little room next to the dance floor!

I loved the event and the fact I felt childlike again.  Just letting go and being silly, jumping around and not giving one care about what you look like, is liberating.  If you are shy or have inhibitions I challenge you to go to one of these events because guaranteed you will come out of there smiling.  The combination of happy music, venue and lovely warm people is an uplifting winner.  I love the fact that there is no script, or  rules about what you have to do and it is all down to letting yourself be within your own limits.

I had gone in there feeling unwell but come out smiling from ear to ear – plus I did a really good workout.

This event would also be great for newly sober people to feel what it is like when dancing sober as I know many people have that hang up and used booze for Dutch courage.  I can’t wait to attend my next one and I hear there are some interesting venues coming up.  Also there are ways to become involved with the movement to organise your own parties with friends or work colleagues!

So yes, it is a huge thumbs up from me for a mid-week dose of uplifting happiness!






russian doll

A damp loaf of a body, she sweated all over as she tried to move her enormous weight around the bed that was her prison and sanctuary.  The tiny body inside the blubber silently screamed as the waves of fat calibrated. The bed creaked in time with the gasps escaping her mouth; the mouth that got her in this mess.  The mouth that had never said the things she wanted to say, it just ate, ate, ate, shoved it all down.

The stench of rotting flesh permeated the room; a fly landed on her right breast happily feeding off the map of old food that had been there for days. She had no way of swatting it because her arms were weighed down with curtains of fat.  She just looked at the fly and felt jealousy of its freedom and of its simple existence. Although her existence now was just surviving inside this body inside this room.  She wondered where the fly had been before it had chosen her. Her skin was so hard now that she couldn’t even feel the fly tickling her mass.  She turned her neck to the left to check the time as her stomach was demanding its fill, but that cut off her windpipe as the fat started crushing and pulling; soon the fat would implode into her and then she would be free.  She would sink into that sweet darkness, suffocating.

She tried to move again because being in one spot for too long felt like iron pokers were digging into her as the fat pooled and punished her bones. The backs of her knees were raw and oozing where they had chaffed; the smell was like the stench of Manhattan in  mid-August, rotting bins and urine hanging in the air.  Giant sores under her belly folds looked like her flesh was being torn apart by ripping hands; gaping and violent chasms of misery.

Her brain and body had become living Matryoshka dolls but in an opposite parallel – her brain had become smaller and her body had become bigger in a direct correlation.  As she had shut down her mind to stop everything, her body had become larger than life which was funny to her because this wasn’t living.

The doorbell rang and she used the entry phone attached to her bed to see who it was before she let them in.  Oh she was relieved, the food had arrived, it was the only thing she had left now. Six people entered her room, chattering all different languages, becoming instantly silent as the smell hit them first and then the sight; the sight of this gargantuan human with dead eyes looking back at them.  She gained pleasure watching them open mouthed horrified all of them thinking they would never get like her. It made them feel good.

The tour guide instructed them to step forward with the food that had been requested by her on the app; steaming food was placed around her on the bed like an offering.  One of the tourists reached out to touch her elephant rough skin – she never used to allow them to touch her but now she can’t feel anything it doesn’t make any difference; let them get their monies worth.  She knows she will get better reviews if they can touch and then more people will bring food and soon this will be all over…

All of them watching her eat, transfixed at how desperate and quick she fed. Her mouth open and always stuffed, her gullet packed sometimes choking her making her eyes water.

The food suspending everything for a moment; she was dancing, hair flowing on the beach at night, running into the sea.  Back before all of this, before, before,  before, the word she can’t seem to stop.

 #fiction #fat #dystopian #dark 


The Fast in a Nutshell!


So I thought I would write a summary of the 6.5 day fast that I did recently in Thailand.  My previous posts looked at the colema and of the people on the fast but now I want to add how I felt during the rest of the fast, and after.  The regime is pretty full on – every hour and a half you have to do something, whether that is taking a Psyllium Husk drink, having a massage, having your colema, taking herbs (that detoxify), having your one daily carrot juice, or your one daily coconut water.  This is from 7.3am until when the last thing you do is take probiotic tablet.  This regime means that you have to hang around the retreat which I think in the end was the issue I had.  I mean there was a lovely pool and an outside library to chill in so it is not like it was a dreary prison but it is just that you are doing the same thing day after day. However; your body is going through such a transformation that you feel almost like you are suspended in a moment of time. Also one of the points of a fast is to rest the body so there was a lot of laying around reading. Often in our chaotic fast paced world we feel it is alien to simply do nothing.

Day 3 onwards your body is in ketosis and you do need to rest to help your body start repairing itself.  After day 3 I started to feel scared about what I was doing; my breath smelt like nail polish remover, I got a rash all over my body and I was having crazy vivid dreams.  But on Day 4 I started to feel this sense of calm and my skin started to clear.  My eyes became so white and I noticed that the aches and pains in my body had gone! I felt much brighter and lighter – I mean I was obviously lighter and this had such a positive impact on my entire body that it made me think just how much weight I still have to lose and of how damaging being overweight is for the body.  From Day 4 onwards my brain felt so clear and yet I felt so emotional I kept crying.  But good nice crying if that makes any sense! Like purging the mental toxins as well.

During the entire fast I wasn’t really hungry; although I was thinking about food a lot – healthy food though! I was craving pickled fish and tangy cabbage which one of the nutritionists said could have been showing that I had overgrowth of candida in my gut making me crave fermented food.  Overgrowth of candida is caused by too many antibiotics (of which I had taken a lot of in the past year because I kept feeling ill). The last 9 months for me have been pretty rough in terms of mental and physical health and I also put on a significant amount of weight and lost my interest in exercise.  I have felt like  shadow of my former self with no mojo really or any kind of feeling good about myself. I had also been craving sugar a lot and had given into that craving.

The fast made me realise that the hunger we feel when we haven’t eaten for 5 hours doesn’t always need to be fed! I learnt that my body is so magnificent and resilient – I haven’t treated it very well over the years.  During the fast I had a lot of time to think about that.  Heading into my forties is definitely the time now to bank those health credits as I realise how precious life is and how I want to feel good as I age!

On my last day I had some Reiki healing done and although I was so sceptical it was one of the most amazing experiences! I felt hands all over my body and inside my stomach even thought the healer only had her hands on the top of my head.  I felt a hand touching my ankle and knee where I had been injured in October.  I felt energy absolutely radiating in parts of my body and it was magical! The healer got rid of the toxic energy from my brain caused by antidepressants I took for 6 months and told me I had a lot of white energy flowing through my body which is a good thing apparently!

On the last day of the fast I had to have one final colema to clean me out, then I had to drink fermented probiotic drinks and then insert a probiotic solution up my bum! I was so happy it had ended as although I wasn’t hungry I did miss flavour and chewing.  My first post fast meal was some melon with papaya, then later on some broccoli soup with toasted pumpkin seeds.  The food tasted so good, almost unreal!

I really feel proud of my inner strength to have been able to do something extreme as fasting! I also now have a real interest in fasting for healing the body and of how food can be medicine.  I am about to embark on a 5 day juice fast and I want to start intermittent fasting 2 days a week – the health benefits are huge! So, I feel lucky I got the chance to find another way of looking at my body and mind, and soul!




The Second Day; the WORST


In my previous post I described to you the trauma of the colenema which I now find out is actually called a Colema – fuck it, it is the same shit (pun)!  I thought I would put a real picture up – did your imagination match the reality or is the reality much more hideous? Not exactly an inviting room is it? See that hole – the mud chute – that is where your arse leans up against, legs in the grooves. Lovely…

Anyway I had decided not to have two of those things a day as the thought of doing it twice (once in morning and once in evening) just made me feel so miserable.  I didn’t mind the morning one as I was half asleep and probs more compliant, but to have it hanging over me all day that I would have to have one at 7.45pm hung over me like a dark shit cloud.  I also felt it was excessive. I happened to mention this whilst I was hanging out at the Detox Bar and most people were accepting of my decision – and why would anyone object? Well, you would be surprised…

A man doing the detox piped up that “I HAD TO HAVE TWO” because there would be no point doing the entire detox if I didn’t.  With fire in his eyes, like a rabid dog, he practically barked at me to just try and stop being silly basically.  He then went an put my name back up on the board of colema scheduling.  I laughed at first thinking okay mate simmer down but then he just kept going on and on.  Saying I had to face up to these things and get all the shit out…ugh I just wanted him to go away.  I feel mad at myself really because I was still laughing it off and saying ‘okay I will do it” in the hope of making him shut up.  Why do we have to do this to smooth things over with people? I am so sick of smiling and agreeing just to keep the situation calm.  In my mind I was thinking “mate, you’re a crackpot and you’re making my skin crawl, go away” but I just nodded and laughed “hah hah, okay yea I will think about it” when I knew I had made up my mind.  These type of people make me so nervous.

I went to my room and I could then hear him talking to the owner about me telling her he “was worried about me”.  I just shut my door and lay down on my bed wishing I was about 4000 miles away.  Then he actually came to my door and knocked and asked if I wanted to talk. I told him a frank, NO. At first I thought he might have good intentions but was just a lunatic about it all.  I decided to avoid him at all costs.

I have to add that Day Two was the absolute worst day for me.  I was hungry but not the usual hunger, that sickly hunger where you feel dizzy and weak. I felt really emotional on that day two.  Mainly mad at myself for being this way that I had to fly thousands of miles for some sort of kick up the arse.  I haven’t felt so lonely like that in ages, and vulnerable too. I was panicking that I might get ill and I wouldn’t know what to do.  That guy didn’t help at all, just made me feel cornered.  I went downstairs to the Detox Bar as you have to go there every hour and half to drink a Psyllium Husk drink and take herbs.  The guy was there talking to one of the other inmates – an older lady who had done eleven days of fasting.  They were talking about me! Nice that. They both started rounding up on me about how I must shit my innards out twice a day because it is all part of the process and the fact I am resisting is showing I have issues I need to face up to and that I am being silly etc.  I ended up being very browbeaten and just telling them “yea yea, cool, hhhmmmm yea, that’s your opinion, please respect mine” but they didn’t obviously.  When I was being dismissive the old lady kept going on and on and putting her hand on my arm (get the fuck off me) to basically stop me from talking in body language terms. Every time I said “that is your opinion” she kept replying “you are shutting down the conversation dear” to which I said “yes exactly that” all the while getting pitying looks from this pair of freaks.  In the end a lovely guy stepped in and said “I think you need to respect Sam’s boundaries”.  The pair became very frosty.

That has been one of the most upsetting things I have encountered in years.  To be picked on by total strangers, in a foreign country when you are doing something extremely tough and new, was just horrific.  I went to my room and was crying a lot.  Crying because I felt humiliated and out of my comfort zone that I completely lost my assertiveness. In London or anywhere in the UK I would never let anyone talk to me like that.  I am not known as someone who is shy at saying what I want to say. Deep down I had a suspicion they were picking on me because they were judging me on my body.  I have been ill and down over the last year and it shows – did they think I was an idiot or not in control of my own body or what is best for it?   I didn’t see them talking like that to anyone else? I was the only person there that was new to “scene” so they were treating me like a child.   I then stopped crying and thought that actually this is about them, not me. They were the only people I saw talking to the workers of the retreat like shit and they were also so manically into the whole thing that I realised they are the ones with the issues not me! I was making a rational decision based on my intuition and I was happy.  I had conducted my research and was informed.  These people who absolutely kill something to death have issues.  Apart from anything it is just so fucking boring. I am taking something away from this though is that when people tell you about yourself, ie you need to do this, or that, or you do too much of this or not, it is their weird controlling issues.  People who are in your business without being invited, tell them to fuck off. As grown ups we mostly know what is good for us and we also have to make our own mistakes too.  There is a difference from gentle advice, discussion, respectful debate and downright domination and fuckery.  Usually control freaks love to tell people about themselves so you just have to feel sorry for them that they are so messed up.

Luckily they weren’t around for the rest of my stay so my mood lifted.  As I headed into Day Three I started to question things about myself, mainly what the fuck was I doing…again.

#health #fasting #sober

Psyllium Husk and the Self-Executed Enemas (cool band name)



So following on from my previous post about this detox I am on I have to tell you that my diet will consist of this stuff called Psyllium Husk for the next 7 days, with some added Benotine, carrot juice, and one cup of vegetable broth.  Let me set the scene for you on what Psyllium Husk mixed in water is like to drink – like nailing a huge cup of dirty dishwater plus the bits in the sink at the end, but in gelatinous form practically sealing your throat as you try to swallow.  My gag reflex is usually good but this stuff is like Ronseal of the Herb World!  So each time I drink it I end up gagging so badly, eyes watering, exhaling “FUCK” when I’m done, slamming the cup down on the Detox Bar! Non-zen and I am sure I am messing up the vibe! The mentalists here also doing this are telling me “think of something beautiful as you swallow” which isn’t helping cause I immediately thought of a chicken burger! This ritual is done in an ambient setting near the pool with New (C)Age music being played which is absolutely so clichéd it is making my teeth on edge.  In my mind I decided to play JMEs “Man Don’t Care” which is one of my favourite tunes when feeling like I need a boost.

Lets then get onto the real business – the self executed enema I have to do two times a day.  You go into this little room and you lie down over this thing called a Colema Board that is like a little flat canoe with a bit of space at the end where you lean your arsehole over a toilet and with little grooves to put your feet in.  You have to get your personal anus tip out and attach it to this pipe that is attached to gallons of water (with coffee in) *properly gutted at this point that I cant have coffee in inside my stomach yum yum but I am allowed it up my arse. Fuming.

Anyway you have to lube yourself up (nothing new here) then you slide onto this pipe, lie down then turn the water on and it slowly goes up your freckle! It is the weirdest sensation; you don’t feel anything for a bit, then all hell breaks loose.  All of your life you have been told not to shit yourself then all of a sudden you are basically shitting yourself, constantly. The water fills you again and then you shit out, and again and again. For about 20 minutes.  You have to massage your stomach as you are shitting your life force out because it isn’t quite humiliating enough. Towards the end I felt this huge amount of shit coming out and I thought oh my god I must have expelled the tube which caused even more anxiety.  I actually started crying at this point. I just wanted it to be over but at same time I had started to panic about the clean up situation.  It felt like I had shit up my back and everything – like being a baby again! That is what is horrible about it – I felt that maybe this is how I might be at the end of my life.  Flashes of my own mortality upset me and I guess this is part of the whole point of this trip.  Feeling so unhealthy over the last year has scared me but I have been too depressed to do anything about it like I normally would have.

I slid off the pipe (thanked god) and waddled off that shit canoe to shower myself down. Not pretty having to shower your own faeces off your bum cheeks let me tell you. I showered instantly and then had to run to my room to lie down as I had tummy pains – queue another few toilet trips – I MEAN HOW MUCH SHIT CAN ONE HUMAN HOLD? And why do I have to have another one in 8 hours’ time? I am dreading it to be honest.

I haven’t had food for 24 hours now and feeling okay – I can cope with hunger, I am just worried about days 2 and 3 as these are meant to the worst!

Tomorrow I will write about the people.

 #health #detox #cleanse #sober #healthyeating #thailand 

What am I doing?


OMG as I just hit publish I could hear really loud sobbing outside – a woman is crying her eyes out at the juice bar under my room. Really sobbing FFS!

WARNING – These next few posts are mainly going to be me, just crying…probably.

You see I have gone and signed myself up for a fasting detox retreat in Thailand and although I am questioning this decision on a minute by minute basis, once the nice lady in charge weighed me it all became very very fucking clear why I must do this. Bit like being slapped in the face with one of those fake pound of butter/lard they use at Diet Clubs (you know the ones!)

I don’t know what has happened.  I really don’t. I have piled on the pies in rapid succession in the last year.  Circumstance, depression, knee injury, no exercise, comfort eating cause I feel shit, and on and on and boom I am fatter than ever.  I can only be frank about this because I was doing rather well at looking after myself and then my Dad died and it all just unravelled – but that was a few years ago now so I need to cop the fuck on.

I guess having depression isn’t great if you have the propensity to get fat.  I felt so detached from myself it was like I didn’t care too much because it wasn’t actually me getting fat, it was that sad cow I became.  Most people will get depression at some point in their life and it truly is horrific.  Like watching yourself in a car crash, slowly, unable to do anything about it.   I tried ADs for a while, they made me worse, and more fat, putting more fat more fat upon fatty fat fat.  So yea that was an awful experience and since being off them I have gone through leaving a job at a place I used to love, but now here I am jobless in Thailand seeking some answers.  This is like a sort of Emmerdale version of Eat Pray Love! I know loads of people who have come here to find answers and I understand why – its actual Paradise and I always find that answers are easier to find in Paradise.

Anyway I am about to do an 11 day fast with no food apart from on the last day.  Alls I will be consuming is a psyllium husk drink (whatever that is), some herbal tablets for all sorts of good things to be put back in my body, some coconut water, and a cup of veggie broth, every day for 10 days.  I have to put a pipe up my pipe every day too and clean it out with a cold coffee enema – so glam darrrrlings! I have daily meditation and yoga class.  I also have a massage every day.  There’s a salt water pool which people swim naked in (lots of buxom German ladies here) and there’s a beach across the road for me to contemplate and walk upon.

Everyone seems okay – I met a Scottish guy this afternoon who is on day 3 of his detox and is discovering rage and hatred as one of the outcomes; total Nirvana, mate…

I just want to prove to myself that I can be mindful (eye roll) around food and that this horrible inertia I have had that has caused me to eat so much and balloon can be smashed away with this mighty task ahead.  I am imagining myself like I am in the Big Brother House and that I MUST FUCKING WIN AT ALL COSTS, but no sitting on wine bottles or being a big racist.  I am going to hopefully change my eating behaviour and start taking care of myself again and snap out of whatever I have been in.   I know that my knee injury has held me back too so now it is time to do things to make it better, not make excuses that I cant exercise because it hurts! More 5Rhythms for me and some yoga and some long distance walking.  No more eating out for a while too – this I think has been the biggest negative change in my life in the time I have put on weight.  I eat out far too much and as I am eating out I see it as a special occasion and always have a pudding – this is stupid.  Not only can I not afford that, I never used to eat like that. So, that is me totally banged to rights.  Writing this down makes me feel even more accountable.

So yea, signing out on Day 1 – it looks like it might be alright…








“Above All Else, Know Thyself”

know thyself

Socrates innit; dedicated his life to finding the truth.  Life lived in wonder, seeking wisdom from the unknown and all that malarkey.  I am 41 and still don’t know thyself – I still think about those people at school who knew at age 10 they wanted to be a vet, or an accountant, or fisherman…and became exactly that.

I reckon administrative jobs were created just for people who have no idea what they want to be in life.  So easy to sit at that computer and push the papers around, get the paycheck, pay your rent, save a bit (HA!), go on your holidays, do up your house, get that VW Golf etcetera.  It is hard to follow your dreams, it takes hard work and sacrifice and it can be a risk.  I respect people who have followed their dreams, honestly it’s a brave thing to do.

Remember at school when you would get to see a careers officer for half an hour once a year? They did that grid questionnaire thing to ascertain what you would be.  I remember the Career Officer had a massive, and I mean fucking huge, forehead and I could only think about that.  So in the end my quiz result came out that I could be a Care Assistant, Nurse, or Receptionist.  I was utterly inspired, not.  I actually went on to college to study a pre-Nursing diploma but packed it in when I had to look at an old mans arse grapes.   The way school sets you up to be conformist, ugh.  You work for twenty or so years, you get all those material things, you get married have kids then you think ‘what the fuck man’ and you wish you could just play outside with your mates and do the things you want to do, be creative and innocent!

Thing is I wanted to be Stunt Woman but on the Isle of Man those jobs were short and I was a little lazy bastard so the physical side of things wouldn’t have worked.  But that was my dream.  I am glad I didn’t pursue that dream though as obviously being Angelina Jolie’s body double would have been terrible…

Anyway I just left my  job and I have no idea what to do next. Is it too late to join Stunt School? *and lose about 5 stone

Why do I feel like I am starting a new life at the age of 41? This really is a mid life crisis but in a good way.  Not like when I had a semi- pathetic quarter life crisis which made me consider my drinking habits because I couldn’t handle hangovers anymore because ermm the constant parties and shots and MDMA were taking their toll.  I figured I would just have to stop drinking Sambuca shots…I was gutted.  I did however go to university because of that quarter life crisis.  I packed in my job and enrolled on a degree within a week of the start of the crisis and honestly it was the best thing I could have ever done.  So crisis is good, mostly.

*signs up to the circus*

Watch this space…

#philosophy #life #drinking #midlifecrisis

Blog at

Up ↑